Cup of Coffee: June 7, 2024

Good morning!

We roll into the weekend talking about Sir Phan-Atic on the streets of London, a cricket upset, a great t-shirt you should maybe buy and Uber being thirsty. We also discuss how sometimes chasing waterfalls pays off, we celebrate Bannon going to the big house, and we learn of the worst stripper song ever

And That Happened 

Here are the scores. Here are the highlights:

Red Sox 14, White Sox 2: Sox win! Jarren Duran and Enmanuel Valdez homered, Ceddanne Rafaela went 4-for-6 and drove in four, and Tanner Houck pitched seven solid innings (7 IP, 3 H, 2 ER, 9K). Another day, another loss for Chicago, which has now dropped 14 games in a row. Losing is a disease . . . as contagious as polio. Losing is a disease, as contagious as syphilis, etc. etc.

Reds 8, Cubs 4: Elly De La Cruz hit a three-run homer, TJ Friedl, Jonathan India and Will Benson also drove in runs, and Hunter Greene was solid as the Redlegs pick up their fifth straight win. Watch my dude in the right field stands try to catch De La Cruz’s homer in his beer cup. Spoiler alert: his effort was spectacularly ineffective:

Dodgers 11, Pirates 7: Mookie Betts and Freddie Freeman each hit three-run homers and Teoscar Hernández hit a solo shot. Miguel Rojas went 3-for-4 and drove in a couple. Oneil Cruz hit a 462-foot home run that splashed into the Allegheny River, albeit it in a losing cause.

Blue Jays 6, Orioles 5: Toronto had leads of 4-0 and 6-1 before the O’s attempted a late comeback, but the attempt fell short. Yusei Kikuchi pitched six strong innings, allowing one run on four hits, walking one and striking out six to pick up his first win in eight starts. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hit a three-run homer. Adley Rutschman homered twice — once from the left and once from the right — in a losing cause. The AL East birds split the series.

Royals 4, Guardians 3: Brady Singer wasn’t great, allowing three runs on nine hits in three and two-thirds, but the pen allowed no runs on no hits the rest of the way, which made room for a Royals comeback. Kyle Isbel drove in the tying run on a fielder’s choice in the sixth and delivered the go-ahead run with an RBI single in the eighth. With the win the Royals pulled to within four games of Cleveland in the Central.

Mariners 3, Athletics 0: Bryan Woo blanked the Athletics on just two hits over six innings without walking a soul, bringing his ERA down to 1.07 in six starts. Three relievers came in to finish the job. Mitch Garver homered and had an RBI single. The other run came on a sac fly on which Garver scored.

Atlanta 5, Nationals 2: Nats starter Mitchell Parker took a no-hitter into the sixth, but Adam Duvall hit a two-run homer in the seventh and Marcell Ozuna hit a two-run homer in the eighth to lead the Barves to a comeback win. Ozuna now leads the NL with 18 jacks. Washington has dropped four in a row.

Yankees 8, Twins 5: Juan Soto left this game during the rain delay due to forearem soreness — more on that down in the Daily Briefing — but Trent Grisham stepped up, homering and driving in three. Gleyber Torres hit a two-run double. The Yankees have won eight straight and have the best record in baseball. The Twins continue to be the Yankees’ bitch.

Rockies 3, Cardinals 2: Michael Toglia and Charlie Blackmon each drove in a run. Toglia also robbed Matt Carpenter of a home run in left field. Starter Cal Quantrill was not great — he walked four and allowed three hits in five innings — but somehow kept St. Louis off the board and picked up the win. The Rockies snap a five-game skid.

Diamondbacks 4, Padres 3: Eugenio Suárez and Gabriel Moreno hit back-to-back homers in the second, and Ketel Marte singled in the go-ahead run in the seventh. The Padres had a bunch of scoring chances but went 1-for-14 with runners in scoring position and stranded ten. Arizona has won five of six. San Diego dropped its fifth straight.

The Daily Briefing

Juan Soto pulled from game, set to have imaging for forearm soreness

Yankees outfielder Juan Soto left last night's game against the Twins with what the team is calling left forearm discomfort. Soto is set to undergo imaging on his arm later today. Aaron Boone said that Soto's forearm had been bothering him for about a week prior to last night’s game.

Soto, who is in his free agency walk year, is hitting .318/.424/.603 (188 OPS+) and is leading the league in batting average, on-base percentage, games played and plate appearances. One of the game’s most durable players, he has not been in the injured list in over three years. It goes without saying that a serious injury here — and I don’t even wanna say the name of the injury that often presents itself with forearm soreness — would be disastrous for both the Yankees and Soto personally. Here’s hoping it’s nothing major.

This looks like trouble

The London Series is this weekend. If you are unaware of which teams are playing, I can give you a strong hint as to at least one of them:

This is just a diversion, of course. The Phanatic is a mascot of The People. He’d never take a role propping up the monarchy. I can only assume that he is posing this way in order to create a diversion while his comrade, Gritty, plants the explosives.

They will rue the day they allowed Philly extremists (which describe all people and/or mascots from Philly) anywhere near The Crown.

This is important. This means something.

Here are my very meager cricket bonafides:

• Because cricket is a bat-and-ball game which is one of the many, many, many ancestors of baseball, I can recognize the sport if I see it. I can confidently say “those people, there, are playing cricket” whenever I happen to pass by people playing cricket.
• I know a good deal of the basic terminology, the setup of the field, and the general idea and what the batsman and the bowler and everyone is supposed to be doing, at least broadly speaking. I also know there is the traditional, long-form of the game called test cricket, in which matches can last several days, and a short-form version called T20, which is more like your standard 3-4 hour sporting event.
• Much of what I know about cricket — including what “The Ashes” is — came from the plot line in Life, the Universe, and Everything with the white Krikkit robots. I know that business somehow involves The Rory Award For The Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word "Fuck" In A Serious Screenplay which, in American printings of the book was replaced with “Belgium” for some reason.
• I know, per that British Empire lecture series I listened to recently, that even if you know nothing about the history of British colonialism, you can identify former British colonies by simply observing which countries today play cricket. If the country in question does — especially if it’s good at it — it is almost certainly a former British colony. If not, it probably wasn’t. At this point I could write 1,000 words or more about how so much of what we now consider to be benign hallmarks of British culture were actually important tools used to establish and strengthen British colonialism, but it’s Friday and no one wants to hear my bullshit so I’ll let it pass.

Knowing that last bit is why, even if I know very damn little about cricket as a sport, I know that no one should be anywhere near as impressed with this news story as people seem to be:

The United States scored a major upset at the T20 World Cup by beating cricket heavyweight Pakistan in the super over on Thursday.

The U.S. had routed Canada in its opening Group A game, but beating 2022 runner-up Pakistan counts as historic in a country that hardly understands the rules of the game.

An upset? Absolutely, but don’t look all surprised. We’re a former British colony too, remember. Indeed, we’re an important former colony inasmuch as Britain’s experience in losing us informed the way in which it administered its other colonies for the next 200 years. They didn’t want to lose any more, so they changed course when it came to colonial policy.

Which is to say, other former colonies should thank America for teaching the British how to treat their other colonies. America should be credited with how the British behaved while occupying your lan—

Um. Wait. Not the point I was trying to make. Let’s just forget I brought any of this up. Go team. Get them wickets and whatnot. U-S-A, U-S-A.

You should buy this cool-ass shirt

I’ve been in a group chat with a lot of somewhat off-center baseball and baseball-adjacent people for several years. I almost exclusively lurk, and yesterday my lurking paid off when I encountered a fantastic t-shirt one of the members is selling:

The seller, la Liga Nacional Puertorriqueña (Twitter, BlueSky), celebrates a sort of alt-history 19th century Puerto Rican baseball league, selling shirts with fictional team logos and stuff. This shirt is, obviously, about baseball being inclusive. From the product description:

“Baseball is the greatest sport in the world for many reasons, but for us, the chief one is that all kinds of things can happen during a baseball game.

“But baseball only deserves that title if it welcomes all kinds of people. Some misguided souls would disagree with us there — and they’re welcome to take that up with us. As long as you’re here to have fun and you’re good to everyone around you, you’re welcome in the Liga Nacional Puertorriqueña.”

The profits from the sales of this particular shirt are going to Trans Lifeline, an organization providing support to transgender people across the United States. Threadless is kicking in a buck a shirt as well and the Liga Nacional Puertorriqueña is itself kicking in an extra $5 donation for each shirt sold, up to a certain number sold.

I bought myself one last night. Hope some of you do as well. Or, for that matter, hope you check out the fictitious Puerto Rican team designs they sell. The guy behind the operation told me last night that wearing them is good for your social life, saying, “We've verified it'll get you flirted with by Puerto Ricans!” 

They’re just dyyyyyin’ to MEET ya.

Other Stuff

Uber

I took an Uber home from the airport on Wednesday afternoon, after which I got multiple emails from UberEats telling me that, since I was likely so exhausted from my trip, I should order dinner. Then yesterday I got multiple emails saying I should have Uber deliver some groceries due to my obviously busy week.

On one level, I’m somewhat impressed with that kind of attempt at synergy. On another level, I can’t help but feel that the future is way too nosy.

More like a waterFALSE, amirite?

In the 1949 Warner Brothers cartoon “Rebel Rabbit,” Bugs Bunny comes across signs in the woods proclaiming a $50 U.S. Game Commission bounty on all foxes and $75 on all bears. On the third sign, however, he learns that the bounty on rabbits is only two cents. Bugs finds that offensive and takes it up with the game commissioner, who informs him that the bounty on rabbits is so small because rabbits are considered harmless. An incensed Bugs then sets out to prove how dangerous a rabbit can be by vandalizing monuments and landmarks throughout the United States.

Even if you’ve not seen the cartoon, you probably know the bit in which Bugs saws off Florida and, as he watches it float away from the mainland United States, he shouts, “South America, take it away!” So much in those old cartoons has aged poorly, but that one has only increased in relevance over the years.

There’s another thing Bugs does that I like that hasn’t been turned into a meme. He shuts off Niagara Falls:

That one slays me. I mean, how silly can you get? It’s ludicrous, frankly!

A controversy over a waterfall has cascaded into a social media storm in China, even prompting an explanation from the water body itself.

A hiker posted a video that showed the flow of water from Yuntai Mountain Waterfall - billed as China's tallest uninterrupted waterfall - was coming from a pipe built high into the rock face . . . Operators of the Yuntai tourism park said that they made the "small enhancement" during the dry season so visitors would feel that their trip had been worthwhile.

"The one about how I went through all the hardship to the source of Yuntai Waterfall only to see a pipe," the caption of the video posted by user "Farisvov" reads.

And yep, the pipe is as clear as day:

I hope they have rabbit fences around that thing.

Bannon to the big house

Yesterday former Trump adviser and all-around disgusting fascist worm Steve Bannon was ordered to report to prison for the four-month sentence that had previously been handed to him for refusing to comply with Jan. 6 Committee subpoenas. He has a date with the big house on July 1.

While I love to see fascists go to prison, the best part of this story was not about that directly. It was how his attorney freaked out and then was put in his place by the judge:

Following the judge’s decision, he looked calm and stayed smiling. Bannon's lawyer, David Schoen, sprung into action, becoming much more passionate than he’d been during the rest of the hearing.

Judge Nichols told him: “One thing you have to learn as a lawyer is that when the judge has made his decision, you don’t stand up and start yelling,” adding through Schoen’s protests: “I’ve had enough.”

“I’m not yelling,” Schoen retorted, saying he was “passionate.”

“You’re sending a man to prison who thought he was complying with the law, we don’t do that in my system,” Schoen said, calling the decision “contrary to our system of justice.”

“I think you should sit down,” Nichols responded.

This is not the first time Schoen — who previously defended Donald Trump against impeachment and was Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer of record for a hot minute — has been smacked down by Judge Nichols.

Back on the eve of his trial in 2022 Judge Nichols rejected a number of Bannon’s planned defenses, mostly because they were total horseshit. Schoen was animated that day too, asking the court, "what's the point of going to trial if there are no defenses?!" Judge Nichols replied, "agreed.” I’m not sure how a lawyer can respond to that, but most lawyers don’t set themselves up like that either.

Anyway, I’m glad Steve Bannon is going to prison. And I hope his lawyer felt really stupid and inept all day.

Meanwhile, at the Hunter Biden trial . . .

I’ve paid almost no attention to anything Hunter Biden-related over the past few years for the simple reason that I don’t give a shit and nothing he does is really any of my business, frankly. But with the president’s son on trial, I figure I’d at least read a scene-setting story.

One published in Politico yesterday was, at the very least, entertaining. It’s mostly a “here’s what people around Wilmington, Delaware think about it.” It produced this gem:

A few blocks from the courthouse, a transplanted New Yorker put things even more bluntly. “Half our children is on drugs,” protested Liz Robinson, 71, a retired professor and drug treatment professional who relocated to Wilmington last year. “All of this big whoop-whoop is bullshit.”

I can’t really explain why, but my immediate thought upon reading that is that “Big Whoop-Whoop Bullshit” would be a great name for a B-52s song.

That Politico article led me to another one, describing some testimony:

The next witness was Zoe Kestan, a former romantic partner of Biden. She testified that she met him on Dec. 17, 2017, when she worked at a strip club in midtown Manhattan and he booked her and another woman for a private dance. Biden played the music by the indie folk band Fleet Foxes on his phone — and he smoked something she assumed was crack.

“I felt really safe around him,” she said.

I don’t know if Hunter Biden should go to jail for anything, but I think that anyone who goes into the champagne room with two strippers and has them dance for him to the goddamn Fleet Foxes played on a cell phone probably needs to be placed on an involuntary psych hold. That’s cry-for-help stuff, man.

Yep, I’m feelin’ all kinds of hot and sexy now. You?

Have a great weekend everyone.

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